To hear how woke Mayor Keller is, press 9

Listen carefully because our options have changed

-- If you are a citizen or business owner who has been injured because of Tim Keller ordering APD officers to hide, please hang up. You are not WOKE and your racist entitlement has just made Tim vomit.

-- To request that Tim Keller cry at your social justice event, press 3.

-- To hear Tim Keller be more WOKE than anyone ever, press 5.

With COVID-19 and all the social unrest I noticed several government agencies have changed their answering service messages. You know, the ones that say, “Listen carefully because our options have changed.”

When I called to 2nd Judicial District Attorney Raul Torrez's office, to inquire about the status of criminal cases, I heard the following phone message:

For lost cases Raul Torrez will blame ineptness by the Albuquerque Police Department, press1.

For lost cases that Raul Torrez will blame on the legislature not giving him enough funding, press 2.

For lost detention hearings that Raul Torrez will blame on those damn liberal judges, press 3.

For the status of the Victoria Martens case please refer to number 1.

To take a poll about Raul Torrez's beard, press 4.

When I called to the Albuquerque Police Department chief’s office, this is what I heard:

To be transferred directly to Chief Mike Geier’s room at La Vida Illena Retirement Community, press 1.

To be transferred to where Chief Geier is hiding Albuquerque police officers, press 2.

Stay on the line for Officer Simon Drobik, as this phone call will allow him to claim another two hours of overtime.

How about the Albuquerque mayor, Tim Keller's new answering service:

To order beautiful pictures of Tim Keller in many different poses and outfits, press 1.

To order beautiful videos of Tim Keller, press 2.

To request that Tim Keller cry at your social justice event, press 3.

To hear the same old promised APD reforms, repackaged in a new and exciting way, press 4.

To hear Tim Keller be more WOKE than anyone ever, press 5.

To hear Tim Keller complain about how the sight of APD uniforms upsets him, press 6.

To hear Tim Keller sing along to his favorite heavy metal band, press 7.

To have his office ignore your non-flattering media request, press 8.

To take a poll to determine if Tim Keller’s beard is better than Raul Torrez's beard, press 9.

If you are a PR firm with more ideas on how Tim Keller can be WOKE, white and good looking all at the same time, stay on the line. You will be spoken to promptly.

If you are a citizen or business owner who has been injured because of Tim Keller ordering APD officers to hide, please hang up. You are not WOKE and your racist entitlement has just made Tim vomit.

A call to Governor Michelle Lujan-Grisham’s office had this recording:

If you are a representative of Lily Barrack Jewelry store press 1 to be immediately connected to MLG.

If you are a small business, calling to complain about the quarantine, press 2 and leave your name and address, someone from the New Mexico State Police will visit you shortly.

If you are calling to point out common sense measures about the quarantine, press 3 and leave your name and address, someone from the New Mexico State Police will visit shortly.

If you are a PERA retiree calling to complain that the governor reneged on her promise not to harm your retirement, hang up, she doesn’t care.

If you are Joe Biden, press 4 and be connected to a recording of how MLG loves you and Barack more than Kamala Harris.

If you are a member of the GOP, please refer to the PERA prompt.

Wow! Their options really have changed, or have they?