Trump Would Have Conquered Canada! And Mexico, and Every Other Two-Bit Country

A Trump, What If

If Donald Trump had lived two hundred years ago the world would be a better place. America would be winning all the time, like crazy.

How? Allow me to explain.

Had our fearless leader been alive during the War of 1812 he certainly would have been president. He would have easily beat a loser like James Madison. Madison couldn’t even stop the Canadians (I know it was the British, but let’s roll with what Trump said) when they burned down Washington D.C. Trump would have been so irresistible that Dolly would have left that loser James Madison for the orange touch of a platinum blonde. How could an early 1800’s American pastry woman fight the temptation!

But I digress. President Trump in 1812 would have imposed crushing tariffs on those pesky Canadian Brits. As their economy fell apart he would have led the charge into Canada, until his bone spurs acted up (probably when the first shots were about to be fired). At which time he would reposition himself with General Billy Bush in the War of 1812 trailer and hang out with Dolly.

Trump’s generals would have won the war of 1812. He doesn’t employ “losers,” so we know we would have won. And Canada, Oh Canada, would become part of the United States of Trump, err America! If so, we would not be in a Twitter and trade war with Canada and their Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

Yes, Trudeau, the man who defends his country instead of making kissy kissy with Trump. There is a special place in hell for a man who doesn’t love Trump as much as Trump loves Trump.

Flash forward to 1845 and another loser, James Polk, was president during the Mexican-American War. If there was a war that Trump knew how to fight, it was a war against those raping, drug addict, cartel loving, criminal Mexicans. Trump and Mexicans, that was a war he could have fought. But of course, his bones spurs would have kept him out of combat. He would have watched the action from his Mexican War trailer, with General Billy Bush and Mrs. America 1845.

Had Trump been president, instead of “loser” Polk, he would never have signed such a bad deal as the Treaty of Guadalupe-Hidalgo. That was a very bad deal for America and Trump is the deal maker of all time. Trump would never have given anything to those criminal Mexicans, it’s not his style.

A President Trump in 1848 would have told those losers who wanted a treaty with those filthy Mexicans that they were “fired.” Trump would have kept Mexico and therefore pre-empted any need for a long southern border wall. By keeping Mexico, it would have allowed Trump to build many marvelous resort hotels on the coast. Vacationing Americans would build hundreds of statutes to Trump in honor of their and diarrhea and alcohol induced blackouts. It also would keep the cost of avocados down.

Winning for America.

But because Polk was such a loser and bad deal maker, Trump must now build a border wall, fight a tariff war, separate Mexican children from their parents and he can’t build more hotels in Mexico. Polk sucked.

Lastly, I bring up one of the greatest mistakes in deal making that this country ever made, the Panama Canal. The Canal was built by a real war hero, Teddy Roosevelt. Remember, Trump likes heroes who don’t get captured, so TR is his man.

But in 1977 that presidential loser of a peanut farmer, Jimmy Carter, gave the Panama Canal back to Panama! That was a horrible deal! Just think about it, had Trump been president in 1977 he would have ordered the Army Corp of Engineers to bulldoze the entire country of Panama, thereby building a moat instead of a wall on our southern border. Trump likes to keep brown people out of America, that makes America great again!

Had Trump been our savior and president during the War of 1812, the Mexican-American War and in 1977, America would extend from the North Pole all the way to the Panama Canal! America would have been so great that Belize, Guatemala, El Salvador, Honduras, Nicaragua and Costa Rica would have made great deals to join us. Winning! And think of the hotels Trump could have built!

But instead we had presidents like Madison, Polk and Carter. Losers!

Now Trump is having to clean up their mess. I hope it doesn’t affect his bone spurs.