Ban these two Earth-destroying CO2 emitters now!

I walked by the building and started to gag as I became short of breath and started gasping for air. It seemed that the sweet, life-giving oxygen that nourishes life and planet Earth was being displaced by some odious fumes that carried with them the heavy stench of death.

As I gagged and wheezed, lost strength, crumpled to my knees, and convulsed in terrible agony, I could think only that my path had crossed a chemical plant or an oil refinery whose evil, corporate, profit-mongering owners were joyously poisoning Mother Earth while smoking box after box of cancer-causing cigars and eating platter after platter of artery-clogging red meat. And I thought to myself that before I succumbed to their poison, I would vigorously denounce them with all of the little strength I had left.

I managed to crawl away to safety and eventually regained my breath, strength and vigor of thought, and as I was mentally composing a letter of stern rebuke to the corporate-pig owner of the poison-spewing building, I suddenly started gagging again. It was the oil refinery all over again and more!

This time it was as if I was in a min-climate zone and everything around me was getting hotter and hotter. Plants wilted, the concrete sidewalk buckled and heaved skyward, and a nearby outdoor ice freezer started leaking water as its contents melted. It was when the picture of a polar bear painted on the freezer's side started weeping that I realized exactly what was happening.

I was in a mini, but intense global warming zone!

I again managed to crawl to safety, and when I arrived home and did some quick, but intense research about the two buildings I had passed, I realized what had happened. Those two buildings were emitting massive quantities of the evil, planet-destroying greenhouse gas carbon dioxide! They were destroying the Earth!

I realized that the businesses those buildings harbored had to be outlawed, and I wrote passionate letters to Al Gore, Michael Moore and Oprah demanding that they speak out fervently and often about these evil businesses and demand that we ban them from the planet forever.

And what are these CO2-spewing businesses that are killing Mother Earth?

The first was a health club and the second was a micro brewery.

People who exercise vigorously breath much faster than normal and exhale massive more amounts of CO2 into the atmosphere than people who merely walk and who don't exercise. (That's right. For the science-challenged many, we inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide.) In their sickening and selfish vanity, these exercise fanatics are poisoning the atmosphere and accelerating global warming! And the health club, which gives them equipment and a place in which to huff and puff away, is enabling their Earth-and polar bear-killing behavior.

The brewery emits massive amounts of CO2 because the byproducts of fermentation are alcohol and, you guessed it, carbon dioxide! With every new batch of bitter stout, full-bodied porters and heavily-hopped IPAs, the brewery is contributing to the destruction of Mother Earth by emitting massive amounts of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere!

Craft breweries and their hipster patrons are killing Mother Earth!

So let us ban together, friends of the Earth, guardians of the forests, lovers of glaciers, protectors of the polar bears and those who believe unconditionally that in the 4.5 billion years of the Earth's existence its climate has never changed on its own, and work to ban health clubs, exercise and breweries. Outlaw them now!

And remember that the Great Lakes, the planet's largest concentration of fresh water, were created by global warming! That's right, massive glaciers and ice sheets melted 14,000 years ago to form these hideous monuments to global warming and climate change.

And guess what, humans were around 14,000 years ago. So there; they had to have caused the noble glaciers to melt and form those disgusting and despicable lakes.

Ban the Great Lakes and ban fresh water!

If you exercise and if you drink a single drop of a fermented alcoholic beverage, you are contributing to Mother Earth's destruction.

Killers!